That’s right, this year I’ve decided to find the perfect gift for Santa.

I’m taking full advantage of the Giftassist Experiment, that you’ve all been participating in, to tell me what to get Saint Nick.

Now if you’re too impatient feel free to scroll to the bottom to find the result, but be sure to come back here to find out how I came to this gift.

The Questions

I’m taking a slight punt here, but i’m guessing that even though Santa is 1,000s of years old, he’s probably got alot more in common with a man in his 60s. So I’m saying he’s 65.

I guess it’s hard to define the Relationship you’d have with someone you’ve known all of your life, but never even met. But hey, if someone is willing to bring me gifts every year he’s definitely a friend of mine.

I definitely wouldn’t want to appear too tight, after all he gives so generously, so £20 to £30 is my budget.

Now, on to the personality questions. He may be a little out of shape but I think it would be hard to call Santa anything other than Very Active.

He’s been wearing the same coat for an eternity so i’m saying he’s Not Fashionable.

He’s always surrounded by elves, he clearly likes a drink and loves to make children smile – sounds like someone that is Very Sociable to me.

The guy’s catch phrase is “Ho Ho Ho”. Can you think of anyone more Cheerful?

Sure, Santa may be top dog when it comes to the logistics of Christmas, but it’s the Elves that make all the presents. So i’m going with Not Creative.

How on earth could he manage doing what he does if he didn’t Love his Job?

He’s been married to Mrs Claus for as long as anyone can remember, so he clearly Loves his Family.

He rides around on a sleigh that flies! He’s got to Love Gadgets.

He’s surround by little helpers, does he do much DIY? I really don’t think so.

So I hit GO and this is what Giftassist tells me…

The Result

It’s an Electric Cork Screw!

For a gadget loving older guy who clearly likes a drink, I think that’s pretty good.

What do you think? Please leave your comments here.

And remember, if you are in need of gift ideas (and not just for Santa) give the Giftassist Experiment a try.

Yes, the lady from murder she wrote.

Now, if you have been deprived of this fantastic programme, i’ll give you a little taster.

Jessica Fletcher was a retired teacher-turned-author of mystery novels under the name J B Fletcher, but was constantly finding that her work and personal lives overlapped. In every episode she was introduced into a situation where someone was killed shortly after her arrival. She always ended up solving every mystery herself in the style of one of the characters from her book, as the police proved to be incapable of doing so without her help!

You might say that this is far too cheesy, but i love it. To me it’s like a really fond childhood memory or a snuggle from your old teddy. I can’t explain it really. Perhaps it’s the warmth of  Cabot Cove, Maine, or the ineptness of the detectives or cops she works with. Maybe it’s that everywhere she goes a murder occurs, a worrying prospect for any of her friends.

Because she is so fantastic i want to find her the perfect gift. So, what do we know about Jessica Fletcher,

• She has been solving mysteries for 12 years on her show, plus stared in 4 films giving her a total of 19 years detective work.
• She lives in the fictional town of Cabot Cove, Maine. Which has probably the highest murder rate of any small town in the civilized world
• She was an English teacher who, after being widowed in her early fifties, becomes a very successful mystery writer.
• Her travels as an author frequently took her to places around the world, meeting loads of different people from multi-millionaires to down-on-their-luck homeless people.
• Jessica somehow always becomes entangled in a murder investigation

So here’s what i’ve come up with:
Murder a la Carte Mystery Dinner Party Game
OK, lets start with something i know she’ll love. A murder mystery with her friends, where no-one actually dies!

We know she’s a very social lady. I can just see her enjoying this game with her closest friends, Seth Hazlitt, sheriffs Mort Metzger & Amos Tupper and lets not forget nephew Grady Fletcher.

Lets hope none of them expects to win, because i think we all know who’s going to win, time after time….

Ornate Magnifying Glass Copper Tone Necklace

Jessica loves reading books.

She also travels…. a lot!

In later series, she was constantly visiting an endless collection of nephews, nieces, cousins, in-laws and other relatives or friends who always needed her help. It would be terrible for her if she left her reading glasses somewhere.

But if she had this beautiful necklace which is also a magnifying glass, she wouldn’t need to worry about forgetting her glasses, she could simply concentrate on committing murders…. sorry, solving murders. It’s just a coincidence that she is shrouded by death!

Linen Pruning Gauntlets

In addition to all her other many skills, Jessica is a keen gardener.

Her garden in Cabot Cave is simply beautiful (though how she keeps it so tidy when she’s hardly there is anyone’s guess!).

However, there is one vital thing she is missing. If you notice on the show, there are scenes where she’s been pruning her garden without gloves to protect those delicate fingers! Don’t do it Jessica, i cry, wear gloves….and what lovely rose pattern…..perfect!

Portable Lie Detector

Jessica is always quick to embrace technology.

She bought a early computer, running Windows 3.1 whilst a lot of her fellow writers were hanging onto their type writers.

So i think she will love this portable lie detector.

Of course, all it will do is confirm what she already knows, but i’m sure she will get a kick out of using it.

I’m pretty pleased with these finds, do you think Jessica would agree?

Come to think of it, so far she’s had one hell of a life! And it doesn’t look like things are going to improve any time soon.

If someone needed cheering up, that would have to be Stacey Slater.

It’s not going to be easy, but i think a well chosen gift might just do it.

But it’s gotta be good, something personal to her, something to let her know someone cares, something that would make her want to move on with her life.

So here’s a few facts about Stacey:

• She was born on 8th November 1988
• She works on the local market, selling clothes
• She loves fashion
• She enjoys going out to clubs
• She’s a sassy, streetwise girl

So how about these:

GHD Leopard Print Hair Straighteners

2nd only to a diamond, hair straighteners are a girls best friend.

We already know that Stacey makes an effort with her appearance, so a pair of straighteners are sure to go down a treat.

What’s more, check out the leopard print bag these beauties come in. Sure to fire up the animal in this strumpet!

And if that wasn’t enough, they’re a limited edition. Could a hair styling item be any more desirable?

The Little Black Book of Style

Lets be honest, when it comes to style, nobody gets it right without help.

So that’s where this book steps in, as written by the fashion director from Elle magazine

Stacey clearly loves clothes, but does she always know exactly what to wear?

This book tells you what clothes work together and shows readers how to go about creating their own sense of style.

It’s got some quality reviews on Amazon, so i’m guessing Stacey would love it.

A Trip to a Nail Bar

I’ve been told that a woman’s happiness is directly proportional to the quality of her nails!

Maybe that’s a little hard to believe, but there’s no doubt that looking down on a fine set of manicured nails makes a woman feel good.

Obviously, as a man i don’t proclaim to understand the complexities of such things, but the evidence is overwhelming. So far be it for me to argue!

Since Stacey clearly needs a boost to her self esteem, i reckon a top manicure would be perfect.

There’s plenty of nail bars in the UK, so there’s no need to send her to Tania’s. Phew, that would be a mistake!

Spa Treatment

Having to spend every day outside, on her feet, come rain or shine is going to take a toll on Stacey

So how about a serious, pampering spa session. To ease her mind, body and soul!

I think a day relaxing in exotic treatments, with the helping hands of a professional masseuse, will go down very nicely.

And relax.

Louis Vuitton Leather Waist Bag

How about this for a slice of market stall chic!

Forget about routing through some plain canvas bum bag for change.

Stacey will be upping the designer stakes with this beauty from the worlds no1 bag brand, Luis Vuitton.

Sure, if may be worth more than the money that goes in it, but our Stacey deserves the best.

So what do you think Stacey would like the most? And do you have any other ideas? Tell me here.

I wonder what the world would be like if Wallace’s inventions were commonplace?

For a start, we’d all be able to fly to the moon. I’d definitely fancy that.

Our home grown vegetables would be safe. Very important.

No one would ever have trouble getting out of bed. Useful, though perhaps not as much fun.

Whilst pondering this paradise I started to think what gifts i could get Wallace, to show my appreciation for his life improving visions.

Figuring he’s going to be pretty well stocked for cheese, i started to think what else I know about him.

• He enjoys a nice cup of tea
• He’s very close to his dog
• He’s a homely man
• He still uses a hair dryer, even though he no longer has hair
• He’s a bit of a loser in love
• He comes from Yorkshire
• He’s a baker

So which of these do you think Wallace would like?

TeaTool Tea Strainer

I’m sure Wallace would struggle with the idea of having to use a spoon to squeeze his tea bag.

So in true overkill style, along comes the TeaTool tea strainer to make his life easier.

The days of pressing the bag against the side of the mug are over.

Yep, once you’ve got used to this little gem there will be no going back.

Beagle Silk Tie

Wallace is particularly fond of his red tie.

But there’s only so many times you can get away with wearing the same tie before it starts to be noticed.

So I recon Wallace will be made up with this fetching little number, featuring his beloved Beagle dog (Gomit’s breed, for the un-initiated)

Not sure about the Beagle tie?

OK, how about the Beagle Mobile Phone Holder then?

It’s the height of usefulness and will fit in perfectly with the rest of Wallace’s decor.

Of course, it’s a prime candidate for a spot of Wallace modification.

Fred Hot Head Dog Oven Mit

Yep, i’m not ready to give up the dog theme yet. Especially not when i saw these dog oven gloves.

Since Wallace recently changed careers to pursue his love of baking, you can bet he’s going through more than his fair share of oven gloves.

So he’ll be extra made up with these long lasting silicone mitts.

Taste of Yorkshire Gift Box

It may be called a gift box, but this is more like a survival kit for tea lover Wallace.

Featuring cake, biscuits and tea. Essentials to keep Wallace in full working order.

It even comes complete with a sharp looking Yorkshire Tea tea towel, so he can show his northern pride whilst drying the dishes. Result!

Yet another excuse to get the kettle on.

Can you think of any other gifts Wallace would like? Tell me here.

He’s a hyper tense, manically depressed hotelier who regularly harasses both staff and guests.

If anyone needs cheering up with a gift, it’s Basil Fawlty.

So, what do we know about this delightful man.

• He’s very xenophobic.
• He’s very angry.
• He wants to belong to the upper classes.
• He fights a lot with his wife.
• He’s tight with his money.
• He doesn’t much like other people.
• He frequently physically abuses Manuel, as well as the odd hotel guest.

It’s going to be a challenge to find a gift that might stand a chance of making Basil happy. Well, here goes.

The Little Englander’s Handbook: A Xenophobic Guide to Europe and Johnny Foreigner

Do you think Basil would find a collection of swipes at the rest of Europe amusing?

Yeah, i recon he probably would.

Since he frequently goes out of his way to weaken diplomatic relations, i suspect this would be right up his street.

Punch Bag

Taking your anger out on your staff and guests really isn’t good for business.

But there’s no point trying to hold it in either. That anger needs an outlet.

Next time Basil senses the red mist roll in, he can excuse himself, go into his office & pound the hell out of this – the ultimate stress reliever.

Fake degree from Oxford university

Basil is obsessed with appearing to be upper class.

So what better way to achieve this than have his own Degree certificate from the UKs most prestigious university.

I can just imagine him proudly displaying this behind the check in desk.

Though I’m not sure which course he would have studied. I don’t think they do a degree in cynicism.

Grumpy Old Men: A Manual for the British Malcontent

No doubt there will be an element of denial from Basil with this book, but once he’s got inside he’s bound to find a kindred spirit.

Stories about traffic wardens, football referees, soap operas and all sorts of other things that wind up grumpy old men.

Essentially, it’s a book for people that like to moan.  A lot.

Tight Git Wallet

Clearly holding onto his money is important to Basil. Why else would he employ Manuel?

This gift will probably not go down too well with Mr Fawlty.

But at least you can enjoy the seeing the reaction on his face!

That’s my lot. Let me know if i’ve missed anything out?

He’s a regular lovable rogue, who’s always down on his luck.

If anyone deserves a gift, it’s Delboy!

But what to get this cockney legend?

Lets start by writing down what we already know about him.

• He’s an entrepreneur at heart (if not at mind).
• He’s keen to impress people where ever possible.
• He drinks a lot of very dubious cocktails.
• He loves the go-getter lifestyle of the 80s yuppie.
• He’s a family man, very close to his brother after being left to raise him when his mother died and his father left.
• He lives in a tower block.
• He’s afraid of doctors and dentists.
• He was born in 1945.
• He drives a reliant regal.
• He’s no fan of the police.
• He made a fortune after finding an antique watch.
• He’s a sharp dresser, always in a suit, gold jewelery and long Camal hair coat. He’s also fond of splashing on the aftershave.

So now we know a bit about the man, here’s my gift ideas:

Famous Failures

Del’s struggled most of his life to achieve greatness. So what could be more encouraging than reading a book full of others that have succeeded after appalling starts.

Del certainly hasn’t been dealt many easy breaks, so what  could be more encouraging that a book full of examples of successful people who achieved greatness after miserable starts? Did you know that Albert Einstein failed the entrance exams to the Swiss Polytechnic Institute?

Barcraft Three Piece Barman’s Cocktail Kit

I thought about a cocktail recipe book, but since it’s highly unlikely that Derrick’s taste in cocktails would be covered.

Instead, i thought he would get alot more enjoyment from the apparatus needed for any self respecting home bar man.

Dolce & Gabbana The One for Men

Despite the unfortunate choice of transport, Del Boy undoubtedly cares about his appearance.

A well chosen scent can really leave a lasting impression. D&G the one has a fantastic spicy scent with bags of extra warmth, the perfect choice for a man on the charm offensive.

Tony Perotti Vegetable Leather Fold Out Wallet

A sophisticated man like del boy needs a quality leather wallet, especially for next year when he becomes a millionaire.

This Tony Perotti wallet is an especailly sophisticated affair. Most importantly for family man del, this wallet includes space to hold 2 photographs.

Miller’s Antiques Price Guide 2009

Just in case he finds another price less watch in his lock up!

So, there you have it. My suggestions.

What do you think? Do you have any other ideas?