Yes, the lady from murder she wrote.

Now, if you have been deprived of this fantastic programme, i’ll give you a little taster.

Jessica Fletcher was a retired teacher-turned-author of mystery novels under the name J B Fletcher, but was constantly finding that her work and personal lives overlapped. In every episode she was introduced into a situation where someone was killed shortly after her arrival. She always ended up solving every mystery herself in the style of one of the characters from her book, as the police proved to be incapable of doing so without her help!

You might say that this is far too cheesy, but i love it. To me it’s like a really fond childhood memory or a snuggle from your old teddy. I can’t explain it really. Perhaps it’s the warmth of  Cabot Cove, Maine, or the ineptness of the detectives or cops she works with. Maybe it’s that everywhere she goes a murder occurs, a worrying prospect for any of her friends.

Because she is so fantastic i want to find her the perfect gift. So, what do we know about Jessica Fletcher,

• She has been solving mysteries for 12 years on her show, plus stared in 4 films giving her a total of 19 years detective work.
• She lives in the fictional town of Cabot Cove, Maine. Which has probably the highest murder rate of any small town in the civilized world
• She was an English teacher who, after being widowed in her early fifties, becomes a very successful mystery writer.
• Her travels as an author frequently took her to places around the world, meeting loads of different people from multi-millionaires to down-on-their-luck homeless people.
• Jessica somehow always becomes entangled in a murder investigation

So here’s what i’ve come up with:
Murder a la Carte Mystery Dinner Party Game
OK, lets start with something i know she’ll love. A murder mystery with her friends, where no-one actually dies!

We know she’s a very social lady. I can just see her enjoying this game with her closest friends, Seth Hazlitt, sheriffs Mort Metzger & Amos Tupper and lets not forget nephew Grady Fletcher.

Lets hope none of them expects to win, because i think we all know who’s going to win, time after time….

Ornate Magnifying Glass Copper Tone Necklace

Jessica loves reading books.

She also travels…. a lot!

In later series, she was constantly visiting an endless collection of nephews, nieces, cousins, in-laws and other relatives or friends who always needed her help. It would be terrible for her if she left her reading glasses somewhere.

But if she had this beautiful necklace which is also a magnifying glass, she wouldn’t need to worry about forgetting her glasses, she could simply concentrate on committing murders…. sorry, solving murders. It’s just a coincidence that she is shrouded by death!

Linen Pruning Gauntlets

In addition to all her other many skills, Jessica is a keen gardener.

Her garden in Cabot Cave is simply beautiful (though how she keeps it so tidy when she’s hardly there is anyone’s guess!).

However, there is one vital thing she is missing. If you notice on the show, there are scenes where she’s been pruning her garden without gloves to protect those delicate fingers! Don’t do it Jessica, i cry, wear gloves….and what lovely rose pattern…..perfect!

Portable Lie Detector

Jessica is always quick to embrace technology.

She bought a early computer, running Windows 3.1 whilst a lot of her fellow writers were hanging onto their type writers.

So i think she will love this portable lie detector.

Of course, all it will do is confirm what she already knows, but i’m sure she will get a kick out of using it.

I’m pretty pleased with these finds, do you think Jessica would agree?

The scene takes place after the police storm the house of Nicholas Cage’s gangster buddies. Shots are fired and it’s all going off. In an effort to protect his sons innocence, Nicholas Cage places a pair of headphones on his head and turns the volume up on a Disney song.

What follows is a slow motion, gun play fest. The house gets smashed to pieces, with bodies flying everywhere. All to the soundtrack of Wish Upon a Star!

This is the point in the film where it was clear I was watching a John Woo movie.

The way he approaches these violent scenes is one of the reasons he is placed along side the world’s greatest directors.

This is a man that truly deserves a great gift.

So what exactly do we know about John Woo?

• He is a Christian. He was working towards becoming a minister until he was guided towards the arts.
• He is very much anti-war
• He loves art, music and dance
• He grew up in poverty in one of china’s slums

So here’s my suggestions.

A donation to Christian Action

Christian Action work in one of China’s most impoverished slums. They offer vital support to people who are trying to survive in these harsh conditions.

John Woo knows exactly how hard these places are, having grown up in one himself. He’s sure to be touched by a gift from someone who wants to help a family like his own.

Charity donations can be an excellent gift, but you need to be sure the person you are buying for would have a vested interest in the group you are helping. Instead of picking randomly, be sure to do your research.

Because we know John Woo grew up in a Chinese slum, i’m sure this would be a welcome gift.

Guernica print

Guernica is Picasso’s depiction of the horrors of conflict.

It shows the bombing of the town of Guernica in Spain by the German and Italian forces during the Spanish Civil war.

A tapestry copy hangs in the UN building in New York. A large blue curtain was used to cover it on the day Colin Powell argued the case for America to go to war in Iraq.

John Woo’s passion for art, combined with his distaste of war, make this a very compelling gift.

Dr Strangelove

John Woo’s early career was spent directing comedy films.

This comedy satire, depicting the build up to all out nuclear war, is quite simple the funniest war film ever made.

Dr Strangelove stars comedy great, Peter Sellers and is directed by one of the worlds best, Stanley Kubrick.

John Woo’s stated that he is always trying to improve his craft by learning from other directors.

Dove Print

Who does John Woo cast most often in his movies? Nicholas Cage? Chow Yun Fat?

The answer is, of course, Doves.

Doves hold a lot of significance for Christians. It was a Dove that Noah sent out after the flood. In the New Testament the dove is used to symbolise the Holy Spirit.

There is whole selection of prints of Doves by master artists. But i think the Matese print is particluarly peaceful, and really captures what doves mean to a lot of people.

So what would you buy?

Despite the fact that there is currently no music playing and i’m squished between a bunch of other people, i have no intention of going anywhere.

The reason being, any minute now, I will be jumping to some high quality, rumbling electronic beats – all courtesy of DJ Annie Mac.

It was an awesome set and it got me thinking “If i was a friend of Annie Mac, what would i buy her for a present?”

Before i go into my ideas, here’s a (very) brief low down on Annie:

• She was born on 18 July 1978
• She presents 2 radio shows
• She DJs at clubs around the world

So here’s what i came up with:

Vintage Record Coasters

Vinyl is cool

Sure, it may weigh a ton and you may have to pay £10 just for one song, but there’s no DJ alive that wouldn’t confess to a love of vinyl.

Annie may stick to CDs when playing out, but these coasters, made from recycled records, are the perfect accessory for any music junkies house.

Keeping with the DJ theme…

Annie’s own Mix Tape Tote!

Throw in some beats, chuck in a bassline, add a melody or 2 and away you go!

Extremely cool and useful too. Can’t say much fairer than that.

Flower Ring

Judging by Annie’s Facebook photos it’s clear she is drawn towards colourful, modern jewellery that use bold shapes.

So how about this beauty?

Hand made from glass beads, they come in a set of 3, which you can wear individually or all together to create the chunky look you see in this photo.

Metallic Luggage Tags

Ah, the life of an international DJ.

London one day, New York the next, then summer in Ibiza.

With all this traveling it’s pretty important you have some good looking luggage tags!

OK. So it’s not as important as organising your currency, but it can’t be far behind.

Spider Catcher

If you follow Annie’s excellent Twitter profile you’d know she’d had some recent un-welcome house guests.

You’d also know her current spider catcher is no good at grabing the eight legged ones, once they reach the corner of the room.

So help a girl out here, with this – the worlds no.1 humane spider catcher.

Not sure Annie would fancy going up against an arachnid with a new weapon? Well , this one even comes with a plastic spider, so she can hone her skills before going into battle!

Update!

I sent Annie a message on Twitter to see if i got any of these gifts right. She replied:

“He’s good”

Read her tweet here

Come to think of it, so far she’s had one hell of a life! And it doesn’t look like things are going to improve any time soon.

If someone needed cheering up, that would have to be Stacey Slater.

It’s not going to be easy, but i think a well chosen gift might just do it.

But it’s gotta be good, something personal to her, something to let her know someone cares, something that would make her want to move on with her life.

So here’s a few facts about Stacey:

• She was born on 8th November 1988
• She works on the local market, selling clothes
• She loves fashion
• She enjoys going out to clubs
• She’s a sassy, streetwise girl

So how about these:

GHD Leopard Print Hair Straighteners

2nd only to a diamond, hair straighteners are a girls best friend.

We already know that Stacey makes an effort with her appearance, so a pair of straighteners are sure to go down a treat.

What’s more, check out the leopard print bag these beauties come in. Sure to fire up the animal in this strumpet!

And if that wasn’t enough, they’re a limited edition. Could a hair styling item be any more desirable?

The Little Black Book of Style

Lets be honest, when it comes to style, nobody gets it right without help.

So that’s where this book steps in, as written by the fashion director from Elle magazine

Stacey clearly loves clothes, but does she always know exactly what to wear?

This book tells you what clothes work together and shows readers how to go about creating their own sense of style.

It’s got some quality reviews on Amazon, so i’m guessing Stacey would love it.

A Trip to a Nail Bar

I’ve been told that a woman’s happiness is directly proportional to the quality of her nails!

Maybe that’s a little hard to believe, but there’s no doubt that looking down on a fine set of manicured nails makes a woman feel good.

Obviously, as a man i don’t proclaim to understand the complexities of such things, but the evidence is overwhelming. So far be it for me to argue!

Since Stacey clearly needs a boost to her self esteem, i reckon a top manicure would be perfect.

There’s plenty of nail bars in the UK, so there’s no need to send her to Tania’s. Phew, that would be a mistake!

Spa Treatment

Having to spend every day outside, on her feet, come rain or shine is going to take a toll on Stacey

So how about a serious, pampering spa session. To ease her mind, body and soul!

I think a day relaxing in exotic treatments, with the helping hands of a professional masseuse, will go down very nicely.

And relax.

Louis Vuitton Leather Waist Bag

How about this for a slice of market stall chic!

Forget about routing through some plain canvas bum bag for change.

Stacey will be upping the designer stakes with this beauty from the worlds no1 bag brand, Luis Vuitton.

Sure, if may be worth more than the money that goes in it, but our Stacey deserves the best.

So what do you think Stacey would like the most? And do you have any other ideas? Tell me here.

I wonder what the world would be like if Wallace’s inventions were commonplace?

For a start, we’d all be able to fly to the moon. I’d definitely fancy that.

Our home grown vegetables would be safe. Very important.

No one would ever have trouble getting out of bed. Useful, though perhaps not as much fun.

Whilst pondering this paradise I started to think what gifts i could get Wallace, to show my appreciation for his life improving visions.

Figuring he’s going to be pretty well stocked for cheese, i started to think what else I know about him.

• He enjoys a nice cup of tea
• He’s very close to his dog
• He’s a homely man
• He still uses a hair dryer, even though he no longer has hair
• He’s a bit of a loser in love
• He comes from Yorkshire
• He’s a baker

So which of these do you think Wallace would like?

TeaTool Tea Strainer

I’m sure Wallace would struggle with the idea of having to use a spoon to squeeze his tea bag.

So in true overkill style, along comes the TeaTool tea strainer to make his life easier.

The days of pressing the bag against the side of the mug are over.

Yep, once you’ve got used to this little gem there will be no going back.

Beagle Silk Tie

Wallace is particularly fond of his red tie.

But there’s only so many times you can get away with wearing the same tie before it starts to be noticed.

So I recon Wallace will be made up with this fetching little number, featuring his beloved Beagle dog (Gomit’s breed, for the un-initiated)

Not sure about the Beagle tie?

OK, how about the Beagle Mobile Phone Holder then?

It’s the height of usefulness and will fit in perfectly with the rest of Wallace’s decor.

Of course, it’s a prime candidate for a spot of Wallace modification.

Fred Hot Head Dog Oven Mit

Yep, i’m not ready to give up the dog theme yet. Especially not when i saw these dog oven gloves.

Since Wallace recently changed careers to pursue his love of baking, you can bet he’s going through more than his fair share of oven gloves.

So he’ll be extra made up with these long lasting silicone mitts.

Taste of Yorkshire Gift Box

It may be called a gift box, but this is more like a survival kit for tea lover Wallace.

Featuring cake, biscuits and tea. Essentials to keep Wallace in full working order.

It even comes complete with a sharp looking Yorkshire Tea tea towel, so he can show his northern pride whilst drying the dishes. Result!

Yet another excuse to get the kettle on.

Can you think of any other gifts Wallace would like? Tell me here.

He’s a hyper tense, manically depressed hotelier who regularly harasses both staff and guests.

If anyone needs cheering up with a gift, it’s Basil Fawlty.

So, what do we know about this delightful man.

• He’s very xenophobic.
• He’s very angry.
• He wants to belong to the upper classes.
• He fights a lot with his wife.
• He’s tight with his money.
• He doesn’t much like other people.
• He frequently physically abuses Manuel, as well as the odd hotel guest.

It’s going to be a challenge to find a gift that might stand a chance of making Basil happy. Well, here goes.

The Little Englander’s Handbook: A Xenophobic Guide to Europe and Johnny Foreigner

Do you think Basil would find a collection of swipes at the rest of Europe amusing?

Yeah, i recon he probably would.

Since he frequently goes out of his way to weaken diplomatic relations, i suspect this would be right up his street.

Punch Bag

Taking your anger out on your staff and guests really isn’t good for business.

But there’s no point trying to hold it in either. That anger needs an outlet.

Next time Basil senses the red mist roll in, he can excuse himself, go into his office & pound the hell out of this – the ultimate stress reliever.

Fake degree from Oxford university

Basil is obsessed with appearing to be upper class.

So what better way to achieve this than have his own Degree certificate from the UKs most prestigious university.

I can just imagine him proudly displaying this behind the check in desk.

Though I’m not sure which course he would have studied. I don’t think they do a degree in cynicism.

Grumpy Old Men: A Manual for the British Malcontent

No doubt there will be an element of denial from Basil with this book, but once he’s got inside he’s bound to find a kindred spirit.

Stories about traffic wardens, football referees, soap operas and all sorts of other things that wind up grumpy old men.

Essentially, it’s a book for people that like to moan.  A lot.

Tight Git Wallet

Clearly holding onto his money is important to Basil. Why else would he employ Manuel?

This gift will probably not go down too well with Mr Fawlty.

But at least you can enjoy the seeing the reaction on his face!

That’s my lot. Let me know if i’ve missed anything out?

It’s a big problem and i hope this post will help.

Lets first of all look at what characterises zombies.

• They love the taste of human flesh
• They don’t sleep
• They can’t talk
• Many have limb problems
• They have trouble using tools
• They don’t remember their family

Leghold Trap

All that chasing after humans can be hard work.

Treat your zombie to this excellent device, as used by humans for many years.

Just place it in a concealed location, near humans and wait.

Just be sure to warn your zombie to be extra careful when placing the trap. Any accidents could have a serious impact on their ability to hunt.

Zombie Survival Guide

Humans are using this book to learn how to defend themselves against their enemy.

Help your zombie stay ahead of the game by giving them the low down on what we know.

Only buy if you’re prepared to put in the time helping with those tricky words.

Phraselator Zombie Translator

Understanding zombies can be extremely difficult for both you and your zombie.

Communication between me and my children has massively improved since we bought this excellent gadget.

It was a touching moment when i first used this and heard my sons inaudible grown transformed into a crisp, clear “eat daddy”. A tear came to my eye before quickly placing him back in his restraints.

Digital Photo Frame Keyring

Zombies tend not to stick around at home, prefering to roam in search of a tasty brain.

So the classic fancy photo frame would be a bit redundant, without a mantlepiece to place it on.

With this gift they can carry their loved ones around where ever they go.

Since lot of zombies eat their loved ones upon re-animation, this gift could cause some emotional trauma. Best to do your research first, before going this route.

Buy them nothing

Hey, lets be honest. They’re not going to be buying you presents anymore, so why bother with them?

Sure, that’s not in the spirit of gift buying. But when the zombie war kicks in, it’s everyone for themselves.

Do you have any other ideas?

Cheers to Eric Ingrum for the awesome zombie photo

Well, i’m not a friend of Martin Clunes, but i still want to know what i would buy him if i was!

So here’s a few things i’ve just learnt about Martin (we’re on first name turns now) to set me in the right direction.

• He’s got big ears
• He described himself as slow moving
• He lives on a farm
• He loves animals. In fact he owns a horse, 4 shetland ponies and a dog (amongst a few others)
• He’s 47 years old
• He’s not a “new lad”
• He ends up naked alot in his films
• He recently played a doctor
• He exercises a bit – rowing machine and weights

There’s a few good points there so let see what i can come up with.

Birds of Prey Experience

Since Martin stated his love of animals, he’s bound to revel in the experience of coming up close to these truly magnificent creatures.

Seeing the grace that a hawk uses whilst flying through the air is an joy to behold. But on this experience Martin will close enough to touch them and experience up close as they take flight.

This will be one to remember.

Host Your Own Horse Race Night

What self respecting horse owner hasn’t imagined their horse romping home at the races?

OK, so this game might not completely satisfy that desire, but Martin’s bound to enjoy giving it a good go.

John McCruick hat is optional.

Travel Operation

Whilst killing time before takes (obviously, when not busy practicing lines!) Martin can release all his inner GP angst with the worlds favourite steady hand game, in this great travel version!

It’s a variation on the original, big brother version, only this one’s without the easy-to-loose little bits.

Who’s Naked Guessing Game

For a man who’s no stranger to being without his clothes, how about a game that involves studying naked bodies?

It’s just like the classic description game Guess Who, except instead of “does he have a big nose?” it’s “does he have a big ****?”

Now, where could you go wrong with that?

So that’s might suggestions. Anyone got any other ideas?

Yep, we’re just like the rest of you.

So in an effort to help any one who might be so inclined to treat a blogger, here’s my top ideas.

But before we get stuck in lets just run through what we know about those that like to blog.

• They write alot
• They want to make money from writing
• They are interested in the internet
• They need to keep up to date with news and ideas that relate to things they blog about
• They are always thinking up new ideas for posts
• They need to keep up to date with their networks. both on and off line
• They need to be able to concentrate
• They hate getting writers block
• They use computers

So now that’s clear, lets get on with my suggestions:

Digital Dictaphone

Successful bloggers are going to be thinking of new ideas for posts all the time. Problems arise when you have no way of making note of your ideas.

I have an hour drive to work every day, that’s a full 60 minutes when i can do nothing but think (and occasionally pay attention to the road!).

I find this is a really good time for coming up with ideas for posts, but there is one minor catch. I can’t write a damn thing down.

Instead i reach for my trusty digital dictaphone, press the record button, place it in my lap and start unloading my thoughts.

It’s a great example of a simple gadget that really solves my problem. not to mention that fact that these things are tiny, so you can take them anywhere.

But what if the blogger you know takes the train to work?

Then i’d definitely suggest a…

Moleskine Pocket Ruled Notebook

Small enough to fit into a jacket pocket, they can always be close to hand.

So when that elusive idea appears out of the ether, your blogger will have you to thank for being able to get it down in all it’s glory.

Flexible Foldable Laptop Desk

Despite the fact that writing in bed is a really bad idea for concentration, one of the perks of being a blogger is that you really don’t have to get your of bed to work!

So why the hell not do it?

Trouble is, it’s not always the most comfortable writing position. So some genius thought up this fantastic little table.

If owning an object that allows you to stay in bed for longer seems really counter productive, i’d suggest that you haven’t full embraced the wonderful world of blogging!

Besides, it’s always great to brag to your office bound friends that you’ve just spent the day working from bed!

ProBlogger Book

Every blogger wants to make a decent living from their writing and what better way than to learn how from someone who has been doing it for years?

This book from Darren Rowse is an essential read.

A Variety of Tea Bags

Tea is the best drink ever.

Not only does the caffine help to focus your mind (OK coffee’s stronger, no need to shout mister hyper tense), but stepping away from the customer screen for the 3 minutes it takes to make the perfect cup of tea will improve your bloggers concentration.

And who knows, the different tastes of these tea variety packs could prove inspiration for the next post.

So that’s my lot. I’d love to hear any other suggestions.

He’s a regular lovable rogue, who’s always down on his luck.

If anyone deserves a gift, it’s Delboy!

But what to get this cockney legend?

Lets start by writing down what we already know about him.

• He’s an entrepreneur at heart (if not at mind).
• He’s keen to impress people where ever possible.
• He drinks a lot of very dubious cocktails.
• He loves the go-getter lifestyle of the 80s yuppie.
• He’s a family man, very close to his brother after being left to raise him when his mother died and his father left.
• He lives in a tower block.
• He’s afraid of doctors and dentists.
• He was born in 1945.
• He drives a reliant regal.
• He’s no fan of the police.
• He made a fortune after finding an antique watch.
• He’s a sharp dresser, always in a suit, gold jewelery and long Camal hair coat. He’s also fond of splashing on the aftershave.

So now we know a bit about the man, here’s my gift ideas:

Famous Failures

Del’s struggled most of his life to achieve greatness. So what could be more encouraging than reading a book full of others that have succeeded after appalling starts.

Del certainly hasn’t been dealt many easy breaks, so what  could be more encouraging that a book full of examples of successful people who achieved greatness after miserable starts? Did you know that Albert Einstein failed the entrance exams to the Swiss Polytechnic Institute?

Barcraft Three Piece Barman’s Cocktail Kit

I thought about a cocktail recipe book, but since it’s highly unlikely that Derrick’s taste in cocktails would be covered.

Instead, i thought he would get alot more enjoyment from the apparatus needed for any self respecting home bar man.

Dolce & Gabbana The One for Men

Despite the unfortunate choice of transport, Del Boy undoubtedly cares about his appearance.

A well chosen scent can really leave a lasting impression. D&G the one has a fantastic spicy scent with bags of extra warmth, the perfect choice for a man on the charm offensive.

Tony Perotti Vegetable Leather Fold Out Wallet

A sophisticated man like del boy needs a quality leather wallet, especially for next year when he becomes a millionaire.

This Tony Perotti wallet is an especailly sophisticated affair. Most importantly for family man del, this wallet includes space to hold 2 photographs.

Miller’s Antiques Price Guide 2009

Just in case he finds another price less watch in his lock up!

So, there you have it. My suggestions.

What do you think? Do you have any other ideas?